What Is Too Much?
As I prepare for the October 2010 release of my third novel, Right Package, Wrong Baggage, many questions about relationships come to mind. I have been married for over 20 years. The rules of dating in the twenty-first century are mind boggling to me. General simple questions I would have asked twenty years ago, are now more complex and often have three part answers. For example: “Where do you work?” is now ”Do you have a job in which you receive a regular paycheck with federal and state taxes withheld, and recieve a W-2 for?”
I think it’s a safe assumption in this day and age that the majority of individuals, Christians included, are dating and entering into relationships with benefits once reserved for marriage. As a result many of us carry baggage such as emotional scars, children out of wedlock, health problems and so on.
While none of us are perfect and all of us have done things we are not proud of. I’m talking about things that we won’t tell nobody, but God and then on a limited basis. Taking our own imperfections into consideration, I pose the questions:
In your opinion, what baggage would cause you to end a relationship?
When looking for a mate, how much weight should be placed on an individual’s past?
Coming October 2010
March 21st, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Infidelity is a major issue in relationships. I won’t stay in a relationship if I find out that my husband has cheated…. This is where I draw the line.
Prior to our conversion, sure we all have issues. And still do (let the truth be told) but I would not hold what a person did previously over their heads.
Shoot I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. Unless the Lord clearly showed me or my discernment kicked in, I would have to trust that the person was delivered from what he did in the past. Back ground check might not be a bad idea
March 21st, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Thanks for responding. You might want to add a credit too.
March 21st, 2010 at 5:10 pm
“In your opinion, what baggage would cause you to end a relationship?”
Severe emotional baggage, such as the inability to let go of a previous relationship. If a woman is still angry because of what an ex did, or if she can’t trust me because her ex cheated on her or if she’s jealous or possessive or clingy, and if she makes no effort to resolve these issues, I’m out. I understand that folks have issues- I have a few myself- but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t or can’t make an effort to deal with her baggage.
“When looking for a mate, how much weight should be placed on an individual’s past?”
I’m more concerned about a woman’s present. I’m not the one to hold someone’s past mistakes over their head, but I will pay attention to see if there are any red flags I need to take note of. For example, if I find that a woman I’m interested in has a history of stalking or beating the living daylights out of her boyfriends, I’m outta there!
Basically, I put more weight on a woman’s present than her past, and I look for a woman who will do the same for me.
Maurice M. Gray, Jr.
Author of To Whom Much Is Given, All Things Work Together and the soon-to-be-released Female Problems
March 21st, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Maurice,
Basically, I put more weight on a woman’s present than her past, and I look for a woman who will do the same for me.
I like that.
March 21st, 2010 at 6:21 pm
This is a great topic Wanda. I am amazed at the issue that singles face today at all ages. When me and my wife met and became engaged twenty years ago we commit ourselves to marry each other for what we had because neither of us had anything but we married for love and the potential that we possessed to have a great future. That doesn’t seem to be the case today. There are now so many divergent attitudes and conceptions that persons have as they seek a significant relationship with someone and many have given up on marriage for cohabitation.
But to answer your two questions there is no one thing that would cause me to end a relationship or specific baggage that would cause me to end a relationship since I recognize that we all have baggage but on the other hand if the person is not progressively giving up the baggage or “laying aside every weight that doth so easily beset us” that might cause me to end a relationship. I hope I don’t sound contradictory but I beleive that every relationship should be governed by grace which means I give you room to be who you are and to recognize what you need to let go of. My second answer is the past should only hinder a relationship if it is affecting the present, your history doesn’t have to be your reality or your yesterday doesn’t have to be your now.
March 21st, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Bernard,
“the past should only hinder a relationship if it is affecting the present”
I totally agree.
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:08 am
What baggage would cause you to end a relationship?
For me it would be issues relating to honesty and integrity. I can handle most life issues through prayer, planning and preparation, but I cannot tolerate dishonesty. A man has to be real, face the truth and allow us to deal with problems/struggles as a couple with the help of the Lord.
When looking for a mate, how much weight should be placed on an individual’s past?
I want to know about a man’s past because past behavior can be an indication of future behavior. However, if his life displays true evidence of growth, change and maturity then that’s important and I see that as a reason to give someone my love and support.
April 5th, 2010 at 6:03 am
Holy matrimony the way God envisioned it should always be such that those that are contemplating marriage should be in position first to garner all that will part of the package without baggage…and to guard against adding access weight and any unwanted baggage BOTH parties should be cognizant of what is being brought to the union. I gave prior comments to this subject posed on another blog site and I don’t mind making it an addendum to this venue. Perhaps a few of you may disagree with my analogy here, but I feel that you cannot measure sin where one is more decadent than the next one. I’ve gotten mild responses to the what I said previously and had to deeper to explain my point. I will share it with you here. To wit:
it’s often said that there’s no varying degrees of sin…sin is sin. With that said, the longer we go on an is allowed to have the chance to make our election and calling surest, mankind will stretch the limits of truth to his own benefit to justify sinning more. The matrimonial lines of faithfulness and integral honor in relationships blurs as long as two parities are not prone to the Agape way of worshipping (each other). What baggage do I think would cause one to end a relationship? When threre’s no basis for integrity and the trust goes awry, then it’s time to reassess priorities…but it’s muc harder and a lot is a stake when you talk about ending a relationship through divorce. Biblically speaking, there’s ground rules and God specifically stated when you can and when you cannot. “‘Til death do you part’” is revelent and should be honored applicably. On the other hand, what transpired in a person’s past is important and definitely should be addressed. Carrying baggage into a new relationship can only be problematic if nothing is done to resolve that which would be discussed to eradicate subsequent issues.
If you feel otherwise to my posit here, just think about how God would look at it. Do you think that He’ll allow you to enter the gates of New Jerusalem relative to the ‘little’ sins you’ve committed that shouldn’t be as bad as, and opposed to the ones that are more profound? I think that most of us theologically would say that sin is sin. But, what does that mean and how does it apply? Does that mean that telling a lie is like committing a murder? Or is gossiping with friends the same as living a homosexual lifestyle? How about committing plagiarism in a paragraph of your master’s thesis? Is that as bad on the sin scale as cheating on your husband or wife? One must also take in consideration that along with sin not being relegated to one no worse than the other, there will be even degrees of punishment! I say this because many are under the misconception that all sins are treated with the same degree of punishment. And it says so in the Bible. The Bible clearly mentions different levels of rewards for those that enter heaven based on their good works here on earth. In parallel, the Bible also speaks of different levels of punishment in eternity for the wicked. That said, it stands to reason that God does indeed ascribe different levels of displeasure for various sins and therefore we face the consequences of those varying sin choices.
Moreover, no varying degrees of sin is easy to misinterpret…and I will further allude to this by giving you one more analogy to see where I’m coming from — take a glass of water, for instance. Now, that glass of water is in its purest form, no additives and no other mixtures. If you put add something to that water then it cease ceases to be ‘pure’. The same thing can be said about sin. When you go against what God says you can’t and shouldn’t do, you you sin, and it doesn’t matter how great or small the transgression is it’s still an unclean element that has no place in the order of righteousness. In other words, if you go out and murder someone in God’s eyes it’s murder pure and simple, but mankind has given degrees of impropriety to the act, i.e, 1st degree, 2nd degree, and involuntary manslaughter, etc. The problem we have in this world is the fact that we readily justify sin by placing hierarchies and elements of easement to lessen the impact on the sin itself.